10 Attitudes (U.S. 2001)

The Gist:

Josh finds out his boyfriend has been cheating on him, and subsequently ends the relationship, or is dumped. It’s not exactly clear which is supposed to have happened, since one is shown but the other is said in dialogue. Regardless, not taking his newly single status as a 30-something “regular guy” very well, he threatens to leave California and go back home to Ohio.  A friend makes a bet that he can find Josh a new boyfriend within 10 dates and that if this doesn't work, he can give up and head back home. Ten dates, the ten attitudes of the title, ensue. 

Comments with mostly obvious spoilers:

Being very kind, the movie hovers at the edge of bad and just barely okay.

There are several problems here. It feels as if the dates (at least the dates that were not dialogue free montages) were just exercises in improvisation, with the sole rule being that the date has to quickly go bad. I haven't bothered researching to see if this is true, but it is an issue, because if this is the case, several of the actors aren't very good at improv, and if they weren't improvising and had actual written dialogue, then there was a major problem with writing and acting skills. 

It is also at just under 90 minutes, far too long. Much of this length is taken up by an overabundance of montages. Besides dating montages, there are location establishing montages, as well as ones to show that this is a topical "current" movie by showing people doing topical "current" things like talking into their flip cell phones while standing in line for coffee. Besides adding unneeded time, it makes the movie feel badly dated. 

I get that it is supposed to be an amusing critique of the Los Angeles / West Hollywood dating scene, but it never reaches the point of being funny, a fatal flaw for a comedy. Instead of humor it just rambles along aimlessly, showing dates both good and bad (never bothering to explain why the good dates don't lead to anything more), before finally coming to the slightly unexpected ending.

Okay, never mind the idea of it being just barely okay. It’s just bad.

Women:

A few, including Judy Tenuta as a wacky (and largely incompetent) therapist.

People of color:

One of the dates and a couple of minor characters. 

Gratuitous nudity: 

Nope

• Director: Michael Gallant
• Writer: Michael Gallant
• Actor: Jason Stuart
• 87 min
• IMDB

Sister Mary (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

In a small town overflowing with closeted gay men, someone is killing off the members of the openly gay boy band "Ex-Altar Boys" and it's up to an angry (and probably closeted) homophobe cop and his new partner, a "fabulous" openly gay cop from Los Angeles, to try to stop the murder spree. After not being particularly competent at this task, a wacky openly gay FBI agent comes to town to assist in the murder investigation. 

Comments with spoilers:

A murder-mystery, gay, slapstick comedy, slasher flick is a lot of adjectives to pull off successfully. In order to work it would need to be fast paced, witty, and funny. This movie is slow, not smart, and almost all the jokes fall flat. In a word, it's terrible. 

Nearly everyone is a walking talking gay stereotype, which doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing if used as the start of a joke commenting on stereotypes or as an attempt at being transgressive, but the movie does neither, and it ends up just feeling like lazy writing, where the joke is merely "Look a gay guy is sex obsessed! Isn't that hilarious!" 

Besides gay stereotypes the other ongoing overdone joke is that everyone is wildly incompetent at their job, from cops to boy band members. At least I think it's supposed to be a joke. Anger prone abusive cops who can't do their jobs sounds like a lazy joke similar to the sex obsessed gay jokes used, but it's not entirely clear if the the fact that the boy band members can neither dance nor sing is supposed to be funny, or if perhaps it was just that the actors hired for the job couldn't do either. 

As a comedy, it's not funny. As a murder mystery, it's pretty obvious. As a slasher flick, it's neither suspenseful nor gross. As a gay flick cliche it's boring. 

As far as bad movies go, unfortunately It's not bad enough to be interesting, and not really worth the time to watch. 

Women:

Judy Tenuta in a serious role as angry nun (odd, given this is supposed to be comedy), a female police officer with a couple of lines, and actors in a "fictional" soap opera that some of the characters watch. 

People of color:

A couple

Gratuitous nudity:

Nope

• Director: Scott Grenke
• Writer: Scott Grenke
• Actors: Ant, James Vallo, Bruce Vilanch, Judy Tenuta
• 99 min
• IMDB

Love life (U.S. 2006)

The Gist:

Joe and Mary, a closeted, gay, former pro-athlete and a fairly repressed lesbian, are in a marriage of convenience, for both appearance sake, and for Mary to not be cut from family money by her mother. While the rules of their marriage allow for (discrete) sex with other people, an emotional connection with anyone else is forbidden, a rule that is tested when an old (female) college friend visits Mary, and what should just be a quick hook up with a man threatens to turn into something more for Joe. 

Comments:

We have "closeted although he apparently constantly cruises parks for sex with men" husband Joe and "closeted to the point of repressing all emotions as much as possible" wife Mary, and the two people who end up testing the rules of Joe and Mary's farce of a marriage: out gay landscaper Thomas and out lesbian friend from college Aura. 

All in all a rather attractive, if not particularly likable group of people. Actually unlikeable is being polite. At times they, especially the two leads, act like complete and utter jerks, although perhaps this is understandable considering the restrictions of their fake marriage has made them both miserable, as the dialogue and over-obvious metaphors make abundantly clear (their house is undergoing a remodel so the interior is covered in confining, oppressive plastic tarps, and if that weren't clear enough, dead plants abound).

It has some of the standard low budget movie technical issues, and while not exactly bad, is not exactly good either. It's main fault is that the story is simple enough that even at a relatively brief 72 minutes, it goes on way too long, and ends up feeling like it might have been better as a relatively brief short film. 

Women 

The wife, her friend, a reporter, and that's about it, although in its defense, the movie has a very small cast. 

People of color:

One rude reporter, although again, a small cast.

Gratuitous nudity: 

A male lead who sheds clothes at the drop of a hat, and multiple sex/love making scenes, so yes, both boy and girl "bits" are on display, although it does a good enough job of making it feel natural that gratuitous is not quite the right adjective.

• Director: Damion Dietz
• Writer: Damion Dietz
• Actors: Stephen D. Gill, Stephanie Kirchen, Keith Bearden, Jill Kirchen
• 72 min
• Note: I listened to the DVD director's commentary, and the most interesting thing was not about the movie itself, but rather about reactions to the movie, mainly about how assorted LGBT film festivals tripped over themselves at trying to figure out how to schedule a movie that had both gay men AND lesbians characters, and thus wouldn't fit into their neat (and segregated) boxes of L or G or B or T films. 
• IMDB

Ornaments (U.S. 2008)

The Gist:

Three friends and their assorted significant others have spent the Christmas holidays together for the past eight years. This year that means a self-centered woman who is indifferent to her girlfriend's desire to be a mother; a depressed man who is antagonistic to the fact that his new boyfriend is in love with him; and a sappy man whose wife is so newly pregnant, no one has been told yet. Over the course of the get together people act terrible to each other, testing love and friendship to the breaking point. 

Mildly Spoiler-ish Comments: 

There seems to be a train of thought that the holiday season isn't depressing enough on its own, so Christmas movies should be sad to lend a helping hand in making everyone even more miserable. Although in this case the Christmas setting is inconsequential. Any holiday or date of note that friends would use as an excuse to get together would have served, spring break, thanksgiving, a birthday, a graduation reunion, even Arbor Day would have been equally fine.

The issue of holiday aside, we have people leading sad lives, and facing issues that will quite likely end their friendships and relationships. Happy times. 

On the positive side, the acting is more or less ok (with a couple dips into over-dramatic). A larger sized man is cast as the depressed self-destructive gay man, so if nothing else, he is not the standard actor you'd expect for a gay role. 

Also, the story isn't uninteresting. It's just massively depressing. Additionally several of the characters are written to be incredibly unlikable, to the point that I didn't care about the terrible things they were going through. If anything, it quickly turned into "Oh that horrible person just had a bad thing happen to them? Good."

If movies where you actively want people to end up divorced and alone is your kinda movie, this was tailor made for you. 

Women:

Yes

People of color:

One boyfriend

Gratuitous nudity:

Nope

• Director: Brian Samuel Davis
• Writer: Brian Samuel Davis 
• Actors: Mattie Spradlin, Arthur Spradlin, Julie Tolman
• 92 min
• IMDB

The Books of John (US 2007)

The Gist:

John (of the title) dies while writing in his diary (the books of the title) setting up a situation where his surviving partner Frank goes off in search of John's hidden past and in doing so finds a way to move on with his life and perhaps a new love. Also, Frank's young gay male friends worry that he's spending too much time morning and not enough time partying, and so are punished for being jerks. 

Comments (with Spoilers):

In a word, the movie was bad. 

The acting varied from okay to poor, and the quality of production (sound, filming, editing,...) varied as well, but even if you can ignore issues common to low budget movies, the bizarreness of the story can't be easily glossed over. 

The main story of the movie involves Frank reading his dead lover John's diaries and going to Alabama to find out about Dead John's childhood (While alive John was tight lipped about his past). 

Once in Dead John's podunk hometown, Frank immediately meets / has sex / starts a relationship with New Guy. During this courtship, everyone says things like how Dead John must be watching over Frank, and has brought him and New Guy together (via his dairies). Except that it turns out there is an obvious connection between Dead John and New Guy, so saying that Dead John is responsible for getting them together is a little creepy. 

There's also a subplot involving two of Frank's younger gay friends, a couple who are written as shallow and dumb, and for the crime of being shallow and dumb (thinking that morning for your dead lover should not interfere with partying) they get punished with HIV, setting off melodrama. Unfortunately involving some of the weaker actors, so poorly acted melodrama. 

Given all the technical issues and odd story, in the end, it's not worth watching. 

Women:

Several, mainly Frank's lesbian friends, who except for Frank's best friend, don't get to do very much. 

People of Color: 

Several, mainly Frank's lesbian friends, and one half of the shallow young(ish) gay couple. 

Gratuitous nudity:

Some skin and a quick flash of bare butt. Compared to the standard stereotype of gay flicks, this movie is almost modest.

• Directors: David A. Schweiger, L.W. Smith
• Writers: David A. Schweiger, L.W. Smith
• Actors: Forrest Bankston, Jeff Batton
• 89 min
• IMDB

Bear Cub (Cachorro) (Spain 2004)

The Gist:

Pedro, content his life of friends and lovers, and most importantly no serious commitments, agrees to help his sister by taking care of his nephew Bernardo for two weeks while she is in India for a trip. When circumstances require Bernardo to stay longer, the boy's grandmother comes into the picture threatening to break up the new found bond between uncle and nephew and their fledgling family. 

Comments:

I've mentioned the "gays plus a kid makes a family" subgenera here before. This is sort of the same idea, but with a determinedly single man in place of a troubled gay couple and without the cliche of having the kid be a homophobic jerk. Actually, several gay flick cliches are avoided, resulting in a movie dealing frankly with sex, drugs, and AIDS amongst other issues. 

It's well done and worth a watch. Especially so if you're into bears of the big hairy man variety.

Women:

Family, neighbors, schoolmates. In other words, it does not ignore half the population. 

People of color:

Nope

Gratuitous nudity:

The movie starts off with a rather revealing "bear on bear" sex scene, so yeah, there's definitely skin of the big hairy man variety.

• Director: Miguel Albaladejo 
• Writers: Miguel Albaladejo
• Actors: Jose Luis Garcia Perez, David Castillo
• 99 min
• Spanish
• IMDB

Eleven Men Out (Strákarnir Okkar) (Iceland 2005)

The Gist:

Ottar Thor, a star football (soccer) player comes out of the closet during a magazine interview in order to improve the odds of his being the cover story. He gets the cover, but is also kicked off the team as well. While dealing with the repercussions, he joins a gay amateur football (soccer) team and soon enough they will play an exhibition game against his old team, on gay pride day appropriately enough. 

Not really spoilery comments: 

While from the description it sounds exactly like the "Outted athlete joins a gay team to victory" sub genre of gay movie I've joked about before, this doesn't quite exactly follow the path laid out for it. 

For one thing, for a sports movie, very few games are actually played. Another reason, an unfortunate one, is that it spends quite a lot of time with how other people, his friends and family, deal with Ottar's announcement of being gay, rather focusing clearly on him. Unfortunate, because it was a bit annoying watching his parents and others freaking out about how his being gay would negatively affect their lives.

The division of time spent on Ottar's vs everyone else also means that by the end of the movie, he remains the same vague and undefined jerk as he is at the beginning. 

Interestingly, this is not a romanticized view of Iceland. As seen here the entire country is cold, dark, and wet from near constant downpours, and there is little to do other than get drunk. Not exactly a tourist board postcard view. 

In the end it's not a bad movie, just one that ends up being a little boring. 

Women: 

Yes

People of color: 

Some

Gratuitous nudity:

Locker room shots

• Director: Róbert I. Douglas
• Writer: Róbert I. Douglas
• Actors: Björn Hlynur Haraldsson, Helgi Björnsson, Arnmundur Ernst Björnsson
• 85 min
• IMDB

KickOff (UK 2010)

The Gist:

A gay 5 man Sunday football (soccer) league team, whose members all have issues to deal with, are about to play their first game. Unfortunately it's against the toughest bad rep team in the league (whose members also all have issues to deal with).

Comments:

The movie has many elements that should have made me love it: a large multicultural cast, varied sexuality, it's loud and bright, and sharp yet playful. Instead I just thought it was barely ok. 

Unfortunately instead of coming off as natural and a reflection of the real world, it  feels formulaic and kind of preachy. Every footballer has an issue to work through, and each one is given time to do so, leading to a story juggling drugs, internalized homophobia, questions of paternity, metrosexual-phobia, and more, and more, and more, to the point that the repetitiveness of looping subplots gets a little exhausting. So much is going on (and quickly resolved) that it's difficult to care about anyone.

Still, it's not a bad movie, just a really weak one.  Rikki Beadle Blair is the best thing in it, although in the end, watching him play a fey, gay dad of an angst-y teen made me wish I were instead watching him play a fey, gay dad of an agnst-y teen in Metrosexuality (a great British TV show).

Women:

Yes

People of color:

Yes

Gratuitous nudity:

One joke scene

• Director: Rikki Beadle Blair
• Writer: Rikki Beadle Blair
• Actors: Duncan MacInnes, Ian Sharp, Ludvig Bonin, Rikki Beadle Blair
• 99 min
• IMDB

My Girlfriend's Boyfriend (U.S. 1999)

The Gist:

An up and coming actor is about to marry his girlfriend, much to the annoyance of his boyfriend. A bumbling straight man is convinced to play gay as an excuse to skip out on the aforementioned wedding without facing dire consequences from his boss / girlfriend. A would-be paparazzi photographs something she shouldn't have. Which all mixed together doesn't add up to the sum of it's parts. 

Comments:

The movie wants to be a witty "Oscar Wilde-ian" farce by way of a Rock Hudson/Doris Day movie with a light dose of slap-stick comedy. While good to be ambitious, the people involved unfortunately don't manage to pull it off, and instead ended up with a slap-stick comedy that is not as "smart" as it thinks it is. 

It is also, despite being included in various lists of gay flicks, not exactly a "gay movie." The (frankly unlikable) gay couple are actually minor characters here. The real protagonist is the clumsy straight man, and thus this is actually a hetero love story, where the setting happens to be a marriage between a closeted actor and his unsuspecting bride.

If doors hitting people in the face knocking them unconscious is your kind of comedy, this might be worth watching. If that's not the definition of hilarity for you, then this is probably not worth the effort.

Women:

Several 

People of color:

None

Gratuitous nudity:

None. Though there are scenes with women in nighties if that's the way you "roll."

• Director: Kenneth Schapiro
• Writer: Kenneth Schapiro
• Actors: Deborah Gibson, Sean Runnette, Jill Novick, Valerie Perrine, Chris Bruno
• 81 min
• IMDB

Can't Stop The Music (U.S. 1980)

The Gist:

Heterosexual songwriter Jack (Steve Guttenberg) needs to put together a band to showcase his music. His heterosexual female roommate, former supermodel Samantha (Valerie Perrine) decides to help. Newly arrived in New York, heterosexual lawyer Ron (Bruce Jenner), wanting to woo Samantha, helps as well. Together they gather a group of eclectic heterosexual men and form the famous heterosexual disco music singing group, the Village People.

Comments: 

The movie is a very campy musical made during that brief time in 1980 when people thought the 80's would be 70's sexual liberation continued to a disco beat, not realizing everything was about to change. The story is dumb/silly, the acting ranges from bad to worse, it's all manner of terrible. So terrible that it swings into fun to watch territory.  

One of the things I find interesting about it is that everyone in it is straight. Well, maybe not the Leather Man, but ostensively all the other men are intended to be hetero. Quite a feat, considering the movie is about the Village People (although in truth they are only minor characters in their own movie). 

Despite doing things like writing hit disco songs about the YMCA, being utterly uninterested in his supermodel best friend, or any woman at all, other than his mother that is, Jack has a line about chasing stewardesses, proving he is straight. The "Construction Worker" dreams of fame and women (abet in a musical dream sequence). The "Indian," who spends his time half naked, "gets it on" with Samantha's female best friend. Heck, the main focus of the movie is the hetero romance between Ron and Samantha. 

People sing, they dance, they hang out nude in the hot tub of the YMCA, and yet they are all straight. Which oddly enough, makes everything even gayer, because this is the freaking Village People after all, who are so uber-gay that they negate all attempts at heteronormalizing all characters present.

Despite the throw away lines and plot points assuring the audience that all the male characters are safely straight, they all end up feeling like they're one day shy of coming out of the closet. Had there been a sequel it would have featured Jack, his boyfriend, and the now divorced Samantha attending the wedding of her ex-husband Bruce Jenner and the Leather Man (who was impossible to stuff into the closet in the first place).

It's a silly movie with outlandish numbers, a few Village People songs, and worth a watch if you like bad campy movies. 

Women:

Yes.

People of color:

Yes.

Gratuitous nudity:

Technically yes. During the YMCA routine there's brief flashes of naughty bits.

• Director: Nancy Walker
• Writers: Bronte Woodard, Allan Carr
• Actors: Valerie Perrine, Bruce Jenner, Steve Guttenberg, and assorted Village People: Ray Simpson, David Hodo, Felipe Rose, Randy Jones, Glenn Hughes, Alex Briley
• 124 min
• IMDB