Heaven's A Drag (aka To Die For) (U.K. 1994)

The Gist:

After his drag queen performer lover dies of AIDS, a man is set on moving on with his life of meaningless hook ups as soon as possible. His drag queen performer lover's ghost on the other hand disagrees. 

Comments: 

The stereotype of "AIDS" movies is that they are dreary and depressing, but this is about a ghost using tricks to interfere with his lover from, er, tricking with other men. It should be a version of Topper, where dead Cary Grant is gay and teaches Cosmo to fully live life. It should have its sad moments yes, but in the end be fun and up-lifting.

It's not.

Instead it's a movie where:

1. A gay couple avoids dealing with their issues.
2. The drag queen half of the couple is sad because he will soon die from AIDS.
3. The non-drag queen half of the couple acts like a jerk.

The drag queen half of the couple dies, leading to the second half of the story where:

1. A gay couple avoids dealing with their issues.
2. The drag queen half of the couple is sad because he has died from AIDS.
3. The non-drag queen half of the couple acts like a jerk.

Well, in truth, there is more to it,  lessons are learned, and amusing ghost tricks are tricked, it's just that instead of fun and uplifting it ends up being kind of dreary and depressing. In addition, it's dark and muddy looking, the sound quality is iffy, and the comedy relief neighbor is anything but funny.

All in all, this is only really worth watching as proof just how depressed everyone was in the day, so that even comedies were sad and dark, or better yet, just go watch Topper instead. 

Women:

Two. A mom and the unfunny comedy relief neighbor. The joke being that she's desperate to marry her boyfriend, because a woman wanting a committed relationship is apparently hilarious. 

People of color:

Nope

Gratuitous nudity:

Minor

• Director: Peter Mackenzie Litten
• Writers: Johhny Byrne, Peter Mackenzie Litten
• Actors: Ian Williamsn, Thomas Arklie, Dillie Keane
• 101 min
• IMDB

Long-Term Relationship (U.S. 2006)

The Gist:

X = Mr. Slutty Gay

Y = Old fashioned romantic gay man new to town. 

Looking for a relationship Y takes out an ad in a gay newspaper. Yes, considering it's actually not that old, the movie is already badly dated. Anyway, tired of his slutty life X answers the ad. X meets Y. They date and fall in love, but have a problem. Can they make a relationship work when X + Y = terrible sex?

Comments: 

The silly equation of X + Y = terrible sex is an over simplification. The two leads have many other issues beyond sex. In fact so much time is spent showing us that these guys are not a good match that no amount of counterpoint "we are so cute together" montages can overcome the negatives. 

Despite an unrealistic romantic comedy "everything will work out in the end" attitude, a mutual love of Douglas Adams' work is probably not the core value needed for a successful relationship to work. In the real world they would make much better friends than husbands.

Questionable romance aside, The acting ranged from ok to fairly good, I liked that it was pointed out that our slutty protagonist uses condoms, and overall the movie was good enough that while not great, it wasn't exactly bad either, just a little boring.

Women:

Two and a half. The half being an off screen voice. 

People of Color:

One female best friend. 

Gratuitous nudity:

Full frontal within the first five minutes, so yes.

• Director: Rob Williams
• Writer: Rob Williams
• Actors: Matthew Montgomery, Windham Beacham
• 97 min
• IMDB

An Angel Named Billy (U.S. 2007)

The Gist:

After his drunk homophobic father kicks him out of the house, gay teen Billy goes to the big city, where he finds both a job as a live-in caretaker for an older man who has had a debilitating stroke, and the possibility of love with his boss, the older man's 30-something year old son James.

Comments (with spoilers because just saying the movie is bad doesn't quite cover it):
So yes, the movie is bad, bogged down with bad acting, and featuring an icky love story where a man falls for the runaway teenager he hired to take care of his sick elderly father

Looking at actual reviews, I'm not the only one to think a man stalking romancing his 18(?) year old, penny-less, essentially homeless, barely out of the closet, emotional wreck, unskilled, totally dependent on this job, employe as being creepy.

Even if you don't have an issue with the James/Billy romance, there's also the issues that large parts of the story make no sense and people are just strange. Billy's mother for example. She keeps trays of milk and cookies just sitting around her hotel room, she is thrilled that her son is involved with a much older man, and admits to having always known that Billy was gay, and knowing this, bizarrely left him with her homophobic, bible-thumping, angry drunk, ex-husband when she took off after their divorce.

Bad acting, bad romance and wacky story details aside, it's also, at two hours, far too long and in need of heavy editing.

Not recommended unless you're into bad gay flicks, and/or wanted to make a drinking game of it, such as taking a shot every time someone recognizes Billy's inherent goodness and refers to him as an angel, every time James does something stalker-ish to Billy such as staring at him while he sleeps, or (if you want to get stinking drunk) every time someone cries.

One final note, given the movie is about the James and Billy, It's amusing to me that the couple on the poster/dvd cover art is not actually James and Billy, rather it's Billy and another teenager, the need for "cute" boys on the art outweighing the need for meaningful representation of the story.

Women:

Billy's mom and her sassy African-American coworkers.

People of color:

The above mentioned sassy African-American coworkers.

Gratuitous nudity:

Nope. While fulfilling many a stereotype of bad gay flicks, gratuitous nudity isn't one of them.

• Director: Greg Osborne
• Writers: Kevin M. Glover, Eliezer J. Gregorio, Max Mitchel, Greg Osborne
• Actors: Dustin Belt, Richard Lewis Warren, Hank Fields
• 120 min
• IMDB

Surprise, Surprise (U.S. 2009)

The Gist:

A middle aged, closeted, TV actor deals with his recently disabled (and much younger boyfriend), his very weepy best friend, and the discovery that he has a teenage son.

Comments (with a couple of minor unimportant spoilers):

Considering that large sections of the movie are long monologues, where an actor bares his or her soul to the camera/audience while crying crocodile tears, it's a bit obvious that this was a play turned movie. One that can be summed up by a line of dialogue, where the actor, in talking about himself and his boyfriend, yells at his son: 

"We are lovers, no threat to you or anyone else!"

In other words, overly melodramatic, yet oddly timid in its defense of being gay. 

Ignoring the weirdness of timid melodrama, this is more or less a standard "Gays plus kids make a family" kind of movie. One element of this kind of story involving a kid who starts off a jerk, but turns into a good kid by the end. Unfortunately the movie went overboard with making the son an ass. By the time you get to the section of the movie where you should be sympathetic to the child, you still think he's an obnoxious idiot. Well, at least I did. 

In the end, it's the kind of movie where you spend more time wondering if the lead actor is also the writer/director/producer than you do paying attention to the movie.

Women:

Two. Best friend, and the kid's grandmother. 

People of color:

None. 

Gratuitous nudity:

None... well, at least I think it was none. I started only paying half attention to the movie halfway through so I guess there could have been entire monologues done in the nude that I only listened to instead of watched as I dealt with bills. 

• Director: Jerry Turner
• Writers: Travis Michael Holder, Jerry Turner
• Actors: Travis Michael Holder, Deborah Shelton, John Brotherton
• 83 min
• IMDB