Longhorns (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

Kevin is a Texan "good ol' boy" college student who is going through a phase. A phase that exists in certain gay porn scenarios where 'straight' college guys masterbate together,  "lending a helping hand," or more, all the while pretending that there is nothing gay about it at all. A phase that is forced to be questioned when Kevin befriends an openly gay college student named Caesar. 

Comments:

The movie quickly starts to feel like a rather timid soft porn flick, with scene after scene after scene of male characters in bed together 'banging the bishop,' 'charming the snake,' 'shaking hands the devil,' 'manhandling the ham candle,' well you get the idea. Unfortunately you can only watch so many repeats of bare chested actors lying in bed, hands under covers, pretending to jerk off before it starts to get monotonous. 

When you strip away all the pretend almost-sex scenes, you're left with a fairly short and somewhat clumsy coming out movie. One where plot and characters are much less important than ensuring every male character has one full frontal shot and ends up jerking off in bed with Kevin. 

Despite being obviously less than impressed with the movie I actually kind of like it. Not sure why when the best thing I can say about it is that given what is presumably a low budget, it doesn't look or sound too bad. The movie is certainly pointless and arguably dumb, but it isn't terrible quality wise, and there's a certain charm to it.

Very minor vaguely positive notes aside, I do not recommend seeing this unless the only thing you require from a "gay flick" is an occasional flaccid penis shot and fake porn scenes. Although if this is the case, you'd be better off just watching real porn. 

Women:

Two. Girlfriend and a friend. Three if you count a woman who doesn't really have lines as much as moans, and seems to have been hired for the size of her breasts.

People of color:

One.

Gratuitous nudity:

Full frontal for all! Well, all the male actors anyway. 

• Director: David Lewis
• Writer: David Lewis
• Actors: Jacob Newton, Derek Villanueva, Dylan Vox, Kevin Held
• 75 min
• IMDB