Walk a Mile in my Prada’s (US 2011)

The Gist: 

An obnoxious homophobe and a gay man switch sexual orientations due to “christmas magic,” teaching the former straight man a much needed lesson about not being an ass, and the former gay man an unneeded lesson about love. Will they be able to change back before the straight dude gets married or will the change be permanent? Why should the audience care?

Comments:

The movie is terrible, almost painful to watch at times. While it has some lower budget movie issues, the real problem is with the plot and how it’s handled. 

In order for “switching places” stories to work there needs to be a balance, a sense of symmetry between the “lessons learned,” wherein the switched people discover sympathy for the hardships the other person faces from life. 

There is no symmetry here. Straight dude was a homophobic asshole. Being “gay” for a few days teaches him to release the hate and be a decent human being. 

A symmetrical story would require the gay dude to be an equally massive jerk who is shocked to discover that it’s okay to be straight. A ludicrous lesson, so instead he finds out he loves his boyfriend, which he already knew. Because there's nothing to his story he only pops up occasionally in the movie for dumb pointless jokes about straight men. 

Dumb pointless jokes being another annoying thing about the movie. That switching orientations doesn’t merely mean being attracted to a different sex but rather fulfilling outdated stereotypes. Presumably jokes where the punch line is that straight men drink beer and love to leer at women's breasts, while gay men drink cosmos and know how to cook, were meant to be funny. They aren't. 

Despite whatever good intentions the creators may have had, the result is a "gay" movie that feels somewhat homophobic and insulting to the audience. 

Women:

Yes

People of color:

Yes

Gratuitous nudity:

Sort of 

• Director: Joey Sylvester
• Writer: Rick Karatas (aka Rick Sudi Karatas)
• Actors: Nathaniel Marston, Tom Archdeacon, Tom Arnold
• 87 minutes
• IMDB

I Want To Get Married (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

It's six days before the 2008 presidential elections. In California this includes voting on Prop 8 which will decide the fate of marriage equality in the state. Against that backdrop we have a nerdy man who despite being successful in business, friends, and home, is unsuccessful in love and so decides he wants to get married. 

Also his mother leaves his father, the nerdy guy has to decide if he wants to betray his community to make money, and a drag queen (playing a woman?) repeatedly sings a terrible song.

Comments:

Some movies are so bad that they swing around the scale back into being good or at least worth watching. This is not an example of that. It's just bad. 

The most obvious of the issues is Matthew Montgomery's acting. I normally like him, but here he either decided or was directed to play his socially inept nerd role with spastic tics, OCD quirks, and barely comprehensible mumbling that makes Jerry Lewis at his most exaggerated seem subdued. His acting is so bizarre that it nearly distracts from the movies other problems. Nearly but not quite. 

His character of a highly awkward adult who can barely speak is somehow also supposed to be a dynamic successful business owner which strains credibility. Aside from his contradictory character, the other roles are so thin as to barely exist. His story and that of his parents (conservative wife leaves her husband and ends up stuck in a casino becoming friends with a singer that coincidentally her gay son adores) are so disparate they don't really work together. The movie can't seem to decide what it wants to be. The songs, or rather the singular song that's repeated over and over again, is terrible. 

The very basic idea of a small portion of the movie, a person has to decide what is more important: money or integrity should have been enough for a good story, but with all the problems going on it never had a chance. 

Women:

Yes

People of Color:

Yes, by way of a single minor Chinese character that is arguably racist. Embarrassingly so. 

Gratuitous nudity:

No

• Director: William Clift
• Writer: William Clift
• Actors: Matthew Montgomery, Rebecca Wright, Mathew Martin 
• 107 min
• IMDB

Hold Your Peace (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

Grouchy guy Aiden is asked by his grumpy ex-boyfriend Max to be his best man at his upcoming commitment ceremony / wedding to Forrest. Thing is Aiden is single, and worse still in love with Max. In order to not appear totally lame Aiden, asks his best friend's other gay friend Lance to go with him to the commitment ceremony / wedding and pretend to be his new boyfriend Brick. There Lance/Brick immediately falls for Max's fiancé Forrest, and pretty much what you expect to happen happens.

Comments (with a major spoiler that in reality is not):

The problem with "pretty much what you expect to happen happens" is not that the story is predictable, but that that it was told badly. The production is uneven, the acting is all over the place from bad to adequate, and the characters are boring. Well, at least the leads are. 

Part of this is that both protagonist Aiden and his ex-boyfriend Max are rude jerks. You can see when the story switches gears and goes to "Aiden's learned his lesson so feel sorry for him now," but you never move away from thinking he's annoying (or at least I never did).

Aside from two bothersome guys, there's fiancé Forest, who is played as perfect, and effeminate twink Lance/Brick who might have been interesting if the script hadn't called for him to spend most of his onscreen time weeping. The advice giving female best friend ends up being the least annoying of the characters, but that's not saying much. 

The major spoiler is this, not that the couples you know will end up together end up together, but that it happens suddenly right at the end of the story. With a snap of the fingers, poof everyone is running off with who they should be with no attempt at dialogue or explanation. Not even the expected "Hey I know we were supposed to get married but i've fallen in love with someone else, sorry 'bout that." While going off in an unexpected direction can be good, in the case it feels more like lazy writing. 

So uninteresting characters in an obvious story that is told poorly. Not surprisingly I wouldn't recommend watching it. 

Women:

Several, though primarily in one scene only. 

People of color:

Yes

Gratuitous nudity:

No

• Director: Wade McDonald 
• Writer: Wade McDonald 
• Actors: Chad Ford, Scott Higgens, Aleisha Force
• 96 min
• Note: I have not dealt with the Bechdel test in these write ups. Simplified, the test asks if a work includes at least two women who talk to each other about something other than a man. Frankly most of the movies I talk about here would fail to pass due to lack of female roles. This movie passes because during a bachelor party scene the guests, mainly women, are ALL far more interested in getting drunk than in congratulating the "happy couple." The fact that the minor characters don't even care about the lead roles amuses me more than it should. 
• IMDB

Cloudburst (Canada 2011)

The Gist: 

Stella and Dot, life partners for 31 years, face being forcibly separated as Dot's granddaughter wants to put her grandmother into a special care home. They decide to fight for their right to stay together by taking off to Canada to get married.  Along the way they pick up a male hitchhiker. Dramedy ensues.  

Comments with an unimportant spoiler:

We are in deep in Hallmark style movie territory here with a story of two older women working to overcome an obstacle. In this case a crisis created because one of the women never came out to her granddaughter. A granddaughter who apparently has never realized that grandmother's curmudgeon, take no shit from anyone, butch dyke roommate is actually her grandmother's long time lover. 

Despite touching on serious subjects such as the lack of rights faced by many elderly queer couples, over all it is a rather goofy movie tending to focus more heavy on the comedy aspect of "dramedy" rather than drama.

Besides the two women, there is also the young hitchhiker. The spoiler is this: he remains a bit of a cypher. Apparently the guy is no longer welcome in his family home, but the reason why is never quite explicitly spelled out. Because he is gay? Bi? Straight? A dancer? A hustler? Who knows? Then again, it doesn't really matter as the movie is appropriately enough not about him, but rather about the two women. 

While not a must see movie, its not bad for what it is, a melodrama of the week style flick, and if nothing else, Olympia Dukakis seems to be having a grand time playing a cranky, strong willed, foul mouthed old dyke. 

Women:

Yes

People of color:

No

Gratuitous nudity:

Yes, though oddly enough for a "lesbian" movie, only of the male variety. Then again, all the scenes involving nudity are done as comedy since it seems nothing is more hilarious looking than a naked man.

• Director: Thom Fitzgerald
• Writer: Thom Fitzgerald
• Actors: Olympia Dukakis, Brenda Fricker, Ryan Doucette
• 93 min
• IMDB

The Wishmakers (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

A dancer goes to West Hollywood and moves in with two friends from college. All three make a wish to find love, then more or less ignore this as they instead try to find success in their careers. People talk, talk some more, then two men dance. 

Comments (with unimportant spoilers): 

The movie is sort of "meh." The acting is okay, and production values adequate (except for a lone cheap looking green screen scene that is). The main problem seems to be that there just isn't much here. 

The dancer is given the most "plot." Meaning that he is saddled with a quick blink-and-you'll-miss-it coming out story combined with dating shenanigans. Unfortunately it's all old territory, nothing new, and ends up being the dullest of the three storylines. 

The other two friends have occasional scenes that hint at a much more interesting movie, but they aren't really expanded upon. One friend is only interested in sleeping his way to success, but his character is never developed beyond being a jerk. The third friend is genderqueer? Asexual?  It is never made clear, and as he is written as a performance artist "weirdo" who is never NOT performing, the value of whatever he says is largely negated by his outlandish appearance.

These hints of a better movie are just that, short bits and pieces, leaving the majority of the movie a boring slog as it rehashes old jokes about bad dates and how "everyone in Los Angeles is a horrible person," and fills up the running time with montage after montage.

Women:

One overbearing crazy actress played by Sally Kirkland, who apparently is the only woman living in Los Angeles

People of Color:

Everyone in Los Angeles is white except for one person

Gratuitous nudity:

A butt shot

• Director: David Grotell
• Writer: David Grotell
• Actors: Justin Martindale, Ari Sorrentino, Vincent de Paul, Sally Kirkland
• 88 min
• Note: The movie is occasionally referenced online as Wish Makers of West Hollywood. This appears to be the original (if not final) title of the movie as well as the title of a short film by the same director made in 2010. The Wishmakers is presumably the short film expanded upon.
• IMDB

Vampire Boys (U.S. 2011)

The Gist: 

According to the rules of vampirism (as presented in the movie) our main vampire guy must find a lover to spend eternity with before his hundredth 'deathday' or else he and all those he 'turned' will die, or whatever the term is for when an undead creature croaks. He only has a few days to decide between a young woman eager to become murderous creature of the night, or a clueless young man who doesn't even know vampires exist. Oh, who are we kidding, this is a gay horror flick, of course he's going to choose the pretty young man. A choice that will have (obvious) consequences. 

Comments with what amount to major spoilers, but don't really matter:

Seemingly there is a lot happening here, from several (boring) murders, to roommate angst, to the sudden odd injection of the first few minutes of a bisexual porn scene before the movie finally reaches a climax where for a couple minutes it almost, nearly achieves actual action; but in truth, there's barely any story here. Pretty much all that happens is a vampire chooses a twink as his new boyfriend and there's a disagreement regarding if he could have made a better choice. The end. 

Granted there's an hour of material before "the end" happens, but most of that hour is dominated by terrible acting, horrible dialogue, scenes referencing Twilight, shirtless sunbathing vampires, and weird story conventions where our murderous vampires are treated as "good guys" because they're attractive and have great abs or something. 

Unusually the expected 'sex equals death' horror movie trope scene involves a bisexual threesome, with a young woman and two guys who for whatever reason decide to get it on in the middle of a hiking trail. It's an odd scene. Almost explicit, at least compared to the way sex is treated in the rest of the movie. There might be an interesting idea here that transgressive sex in a gay movie means sex involving a woman. Then again there could have been no more thought to it than just allowing the two actors willing to go full frontal nude an opportunity to do so. 

I'm not a big fan of the horror genre and it is possible that I'm just not "getting" the movie.  That it is more than just a poorly made, cheap grab at cash from gay fans of Twilight style pretty boy vampires, who presumably would fork over money for a flash of tight abs and a couple of visible semi flaccid penises.  I doubt it though. 

Women:

A couple, though both barely have lines

People of color:

A couple 

Gratuitous nudity:

Yes

• Director: Charlie Vaughn
• Writer(s): Jeremiah Cambell (screenplay), David S. Sterling, Jeremiah Cambell (Story)
• 70 min
• IMDB 

Let My People Go (France 2011)

The Gist:

After a very bad day at work involving a dead man, a bag of money, and a huge fight with his boyfriend Teemu, Reuben leaves Finland to go home to Paris to his family and their assorted problems and strife just in time for Passover.

Comments:

This movie is an example of a “I’m both gay and ethnic, and ain’t that a hoot!” comedy. Think “My Big Fat Greek Wedding, but where the protagonist is gay and there (usually) isn’t a wedding. If done right, it can be amusing. If not done right, it can end up just a lazy collection of gay and ethnic jokes.

In this case the movie lays it on extremely heavy with the "I'm Jewish" humor, but for the most part it comes across as inoffensive in intent, as Reuben's family argue and grumble, providing most of the drama as he tries to deal with both them and his boyfriend. 

Ultimately it’s a cute, if unsubstantial, movie, with cute actors in unsubstantial roles. Not required viewing, but not bad if you do. I'd say something to play in the background while multitasking doing something else, but given that it is subtitled (dialogue is in Finish, French, and English) that may be a bit hard to do. 

Women:

Yes

People of Color:

Nope

Gratuitous nudity:

A couple of minor incidental butt shots

• Director: Mikael Buch
• Writers: Mikael Buch
• Actors: Nicolas Maury, Jarkko Niemi
• 96 min
• Finish, French, English
• IMDB

Codependent Lesbian Space Alien Seeks Same (US 2011)

The Gist:

When they are determined to be a threat to their planet's environment because of their "big feeling," three alien lesbians are shipped off to earth to fix them. That is, the Earth lesbian dating scene sucks so bad that it will break their hearts and eliminate those pesky emotions, er "big feelings."

Except that it does not go quite to plan and one of the aliens, Zoinx, ends up in a relationship with a bit of a sad sack woman named Jane, while two "Men in black" guys observe the goings on. 

Comments:

It's difficult to make a low budget comedy which riffs on bad low budget movies without ending up bad in the process, but this movie succeeds. Well, mostly. There are parts that are a bit rough / are weaker than others. Also, while it is funny, the jokes, at least for me, were a bit more smirky humorous than laugh out loud hilarious.

Even though I think it was well done, it is not something I'd recommend without hesitation unless you were into oddball, quiet humor, have a high tolerance for nonsensical plots, and a love for silly 50’s sci-fi B-movies. 

Women:

Well, yes… Obviously 

People of Color:

Some of the Earth women dates 

Gratuitous nudity:

No 

• Director: Madeleine Olnek
• Writer: Madeleine Olnek
• Actors: Lisa Haas, Susan Ziegler, Jackie Monahan, Cynthia Kapalan
• 76 min
• IMDB

Romeos (Romeos ...Anders Als du Denkst!) (Germany 2011)

The Gist: 

Lukas, a young German transsexual man in the processes of transitioning has been, much to his annoyance, assigned to female housing during his civil service. 

Luckily, a friend from his home town, Ine, is already there, and through her he meets a new group of largely gay and lesbian friends including Fabio, the closeted "Alpha Gay" of the group. There is an instant bond between the two, and as their connection deepens, Lukas must deal with the risks and consequences of coming out to Fabio. 

Comments:

The movie is really good and is an interesting view of a man transitioning. 

It ends up being a celebration of "maleness," both physical and emotional, not only in Lukas exhilarating in the changes his body is going through, but also in every scene between Lukas and Fabio acting super cocky with each other in the way that young men sometimes do when they're burning with so much excess energy they have no idea what to do with themselves. 

The movie practically sweats testosterone. 

Part of that maleness and change though is that Lukas is at times self absorbed to the point of being a jerk to his friends and family (so it kind of just desserts that he falls for the only character even more self absorbed than he is).

Women: 

Several

People of color:

Some

Gratuitous Nudity:

Some bare butts and bare breasts

• Director: Sabine Bernardi
• Writer: Sabine Bernardi
• Actors: Rick Okon, Maximilian Befort
• 94 min
• German
• IMDB 

Sister Mary (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

In a small town overflowing with closeted gay men, someone is killing off the members of the openly gay boy band "Ex-Altar Boys" and it's up to an angry (and probably closeted) homophobe cop and his new partner, a "fabulous" openly gay cop from Los Angeles, to try to stop the murder spree. After not being particularly competent at this task, a wacky openly gay FBI agent comes to town to assist in the murder investigation. 

Comments with spoilers:

A murder-mystery, gay, slapstick comedy, slasher flick is a lot of adjectives to pull off successfully. In order to work it would need to be fast paced, witty, and funny. This movie is slow, not smart, and almost all the jokes fall flat. In a word, it's terrible. 

Nearly everyone is a walking talking gay stereotype, which doesn't necessarily have to be a bad thing if used as the start of a joke commenting on stereotypes or as an attempt at being transgressive, but the movie does neither, and it ends up just feeling like lazy writing, where the joke is merely "Look a gay guy is sex obsessed! Isn't that hilarious!" 

Besides gay stereotypes the other ongoing overdone joke is that everyone is wildly incompetent at their job, from cops to boy band members. At least I think it's supposed to be a joke. Anger prone abusive cops who can't do their jobs sounds like a lazy joke similar to the sex obsessed gay jokes used, but it's not entirely clear if the the fact that the boy band members can neither dance nor sing is supposed to be funny, or if perhaps it was just that the actors hired for the job couldn't do either. 

As a comedy, it's not funny. As a murder mystery, it's pretty obvious. As a slasher flick, it's neither suspenseful nor gross. As a gay flick cliche it's boring. 

As far as bad movies go, unfortunately It's not bad enough to be interesting, and not really worth the time to watch. 

Women:

Judy Tenuta in a serious role as angry nun (odd, given this is supposed to be comedy), a female police officer with a couple of lines, and actors in a "fictional" soap opera that some of the characters watch. 

People of color:

A couple

Gratuitous nudity:

Nope

• Director: Scott Grenke
• Writer: Scott Grenke
• Actors: Ant, James Vallo, Bruce Vilanch, Judy Tenuta
• 99 min
• IMDB

eCupid (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

In a fairy tale for a social media age, we have Marshall, a man about to turn 30 who is unfulfilled by his job, and uncertain about his seven year relationship that has settled into being comfortable. Bored one night, he downloads an app, "eCupid," which promises to find him true love. The apparently omnipotent app proceeds to give Marshall exactly what he desired, life as a single man, with a string of hot men vying for his attention. Given everything he wants, why can he only think of his now ex-boyfriend Gabe?

Comments (with unimportant spoilers):

The answer to why he can only think of his boyfriend Gabe is obvious of course. It's because this is a moral lesson teaching romantic comedy with fairy tale overtones and a mobile phone app in place of an ornery genie granting your every wish to disaster. 

It is a perfectly adequate, perfunctory, "gay flick," that does exactly what it promises to do, be cute. No more, no less.

Which oddly is the worst problem with it. This feels like it was aimed squarely for average and having achieved that, "they" have ended up up with a fast food meal of a movie. Neither good nor bad, not surprising, and oddly lacking. 

General comments aside and focusing on the story, It's a bit strange that when the boyfriend Gabe receives a text saying Marshall was bored with the relationship, instead of getting mad, or having a fight, or just talking about it, Gabe immediately breaks up with him ending their seven year relationship over momentary boredom. 

Issues of 'adequacy' aside, the movie is what is. A gay flick that is cute if you watch it, but is not a loss if you don't.

Women:

One. Morgan Fairchild as, well, a mysterious and possibly powerful someone who knows a thing or two about love. Actually, considering the movie's name is eCUPID, it may have made more sense if her role was cast with a man instead. Likely the first and last time I ever argue that a gay flick would had been better with fewer women, which in this case would mean no women. 

People of color:

None

Gratuitous nudity:

None

• Director: J.C. Calciano
• Writer: J.C. Calciano
• Houston Rhines, Noah Schuffman
• 95 min
• IMDB

Longhorns (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

Kevin is a Texan "good ol' boy" college student who is going through a phase. A phase that exists in certain gay porn scenarios where 'straight' college guys masterbate together,  "lending a helping hand," or more, all the while pretending that there is nothing gay about it at all. A phase that is forced to be questioned when Kevin befriends an openly gay college student named Caesar. 

Comments:

The movie quickly starts to feel like a rather timid soft porn flick, with scene after scene after scene of male characters in bed together 'banging the bishop,' 'charming the snake,' 'shaking hands the devil,' 'manhandling the ham candle,' well you get the idea. Unfortunately you can only watch so many repeats of bare chested actors lying in bed, hands under covers, pretending to jerk off before it starts to get monotonous. 

When you strip away all the pretend almost-sex scenes, you're left with a fairly short and somewhat clumsy coming out movie. One where plot and characters are much less important than ensuring every male character has one full frontal shot and ends up jerking off in bed with Kevin. 

Despite being obviously less than impressed with the movie I actually kind of like it. Not sure why when the best thing I can say about it is that given what is presumably a low budget, it doesn't look or sound too bad. The movie is certainly pointless and arguably dumb, but it isn't terrible quality wise, and there's a certain charm to it.

Very minor vaguely positive notes aside, I do not recommend seeing this unless the only thing you require from a "gay flick" is an occasional flaccid penis shot and fake porn scenes. Although if this is the case, you'd be better off just watching real porn. 

Women:

Two. Girlfriend and a friend. Three if you count a woman who doesn't really have lines as much as moans, and seems to have been hired for the size of her breasts.

People of color:

One.

Gratuitous nudity:

Full frontal for all! Well, all the male actors anyway. 

• Director: David Lewis
• Writer: David Lewis
• Actors: Jacob Newton, Derek Villanueva, Dylan Vox, Kevin Held
• 75 min
• IMDB

What Happens Next (U.S. 2011)

The Gist:

After a rich 50-something businessman is forced into early retirement, his sister gives him a puppy before moving onto her next project, getting him a wife. For his part however, he seems less interested in dating women than in figuring out what, if anything, his burgeoning friendship with a baseball cap wearing gay man (and fellow dog owner) may imply, considering he has spent so much time working he has never had time for a social life. 

Comments:

I guess going to the dog park is the "in thing" for meeting guys. Also, apparently you can tell if a guy is butch or fem by looking at which gay stereotype he fulfills, wearing a baseball cap or wearing lipgloss. Which surprised me because I had not realized that we were known for doing either. 

Odd stereotypes aside, it was a nice enough movie, sweet even (appropriate for a romance comedy), but at the same time, just not an overly interesting one. Jon Lindstrom and Wendie Malick are fine in their roles as an older man trying to figure out his life/sexual orientation, and his overbearing sister. The dogs are cute (though they kind of disappear once they've fulfilled their duty of introducing the leads), and unlike some indie movies dealing with rich people I've seen, his apartment didn't look cheap. Free advice for indie filmmakers with script calling for for an expensive apartment... don't do it. 

Then again, there's very little about the movie that is not totally predictable, and some sections of it (and characters) seem a bit too flat. Which is too harsh, because it isn't a bad movie, just... average. 

I'd recommend it, but only if you go into it with low expectations.

Women:

Sister, best friend, maid, nail stylist and more, so all in all, not too bad. 

People of color:

The maid. No, really. One person. The maid. 

Gratuitous nudity:

A brief shot of a bare male butt, so while it technically meets the gay flick stereotype of unnecessary bare flesh, it barely does so.

• Director: Jay Arnold
• Writers: Jay Arnold, Thom Cardwell, Ariel Shafir
• Actors: Lon Lindstrom, Wendie Malick
• 100 min
• IMDB